THE TEMPORALITY OF UGLINESS

​

The fear of becoming ugly, losing the value we we’re told we had.

I don’t feel that going into drag, I enjoy the becoming dirty and ugly and pretty and tough, all mixed up together.

I feel it going into transition.

 

I always said I don’t fear aging (maybe because I thought I never would) because I admire the skin that shows it knows a life.

My crushes always had those beautiful lines framing their eyes and curving from the lips.

Emphasizing the softness of the skin and the fluidity of expressions.

​

But when I look in the mirror and see the line crossing my forehead I twinge.

Botox appears on my mind more often than I’d like it to.

​

Add into that mix of aging a dash of testosterone and god knows what happens.

A second run at puberty, with it’s own brand of ugliness named ‘spots and pimples’ or simply ‘acne’, alongside this impact of age that wasn’t there the first time around.

What will become of that?

​

And after that puberty I will have aged again,

and more so,

will continue to do exactly that.

 

I now imagine a future for myself, but struggle to picture what I’ll look like. 

Will my beauty (I’ve accepted that I have been given some of that) turn to handsome, or will it mix to a dirty tint of disappointment that over time just goes bad and becomes ugly old man-questionmark?

​

There is no way of soothing this fear, for right now it is still in the realm of speculation.

We’ll all have to wait it out and endure the face of time in the proces.

 

On the topic of time

While writing in the metro I forgot to get off.

​

Distracted by my thoughts, a drunk guy yelling and the show I just saw.

Now I have to wait for the same train going the opposite direction to go two stops back.

 

I wish I could wait for a train to take me two stops back in time

So I could have started this process sooner.

Or maybe that is what testosterone can be, a train to get me back into puberty, after the passing of time.

 

To finally get to the place I was actually heading for in the first place.